Category: Transient Witticisms

• “You don’t have to hold my hand, Finny,” I say.
  “I want to!,” he protests. “There’s a lot of people here & I don’t want to get captured!”
• “Dad-O, do you see what I’m doing?” asks Finn. “I’m getting my muscles a little bit stronger & heavier so I can do special techniques!”
• Music
  • I told the kids I’m visiting a guy named Stu today. “A Boy Named Stu??” asked Finn.
  • “Dad-O, when I’m older we’ll get a dog who *won’t* chew kids’ toys, and we’ll name him Paul Simon!”
  • “Pumped-Up Kicks?” Finn says incredulously. “I thought Kix were cereal.”
  • Listening to “Another One Bites The Dust.” Finn: “That Freddie Markery is a weird guy, Dad-O. ‘Hangin’ on the edge of your sink’?”
• Chow:
  • I’ve raised a 4yo son who, in the middle of McDonald’s & out of the blue, yells “Captain Sullenberger? Captain Cheeseburger!!” I rule. 🙂
  • “When it’s your birthday, do you have to eat real food, or can you just eat cake?” asks a hopeful, birthday-eve Finn.
  • The boys brandish curly straws.
    Henry: “This is my sales tool!”
    Me: “Your… what??”
    Finn: “Yeah, they help managers!”
    (No idea, I swear!)
  • The lads are debating anatomy over breakfast:
    F: “Elephants are meat.”
    H: “Noo!”
    F: “*You’re* meat!”
    H: “But my *bones* are not meat!!”
• Neighbor kids invite us to their treehouse. “It’s our secret lavatory!” Boy I hope that’s not true.
• We’re playing pirates out back. “You make me peel potatoes, Dad-O,” says Finn. “I’m your galley sleeve!”

• Henry’s jealous of Finn’s March birthday.
  H: “I don’t want July! I want a different month!”
  Me: “Like what?”
  H: “Um… San Francisco!”
• Henry sees the globe on Continental planes: “Those are raccoon airplanes. They have stripey tails!”
• Hen channels his mom: Rolling on the floor he says, “My back is hurting. I’m doing exercises.” And then, “My back wants truck videos!”
• Henry’s learning “sorry.”
  H: “Sorry I puked all over, Dad-O.”
  Me: “Oh, you don’t have to be sorry, bud.”
  H: “Sorry I apologized.”
• “What are *these*, Dad-O?” asks Henry, fingering my forehead wrinkles. Been asking myself that, son.
• On speakerphone the conf. call system says, “Press the pound key.”
  “Press the palm tree!” grins Henry. “Robot lady said it!”
• “It’s not Christmas anymore, Mad Birds,” declares Henry. “Take off your party helmets!“

• M: “Finny, you are my sunshine.”
  F: “Yeah, and the Lego chopper pilots are *my* sunshine!”
• Big guys:
  • Finn notices me dawdling on Twitter. “Time for you to hit the shower, Big Man!” he declares.
  • Finn, to Margot’s six-foot-four dad: “Grandpa, when you grow up, you’ll be as tall as a GIANT!!”
  • “I moved Henry’s fragile truck,” Finn tells me from the couch, “so you wouldn’t shatter it with your big ol’ Dad-O butt.” #verbatim
• “I’m Captain Sully, Dad-O,” Finn advises me from the jungle gym. “I’m watching out for birds so we don’t end up in the Hudson!”
• Finn’s taken to telling me bedtime stories, then wrapping up with “And THAT, my Dad-O, is the end of that!”
• Rebuffed by Margot at the park, Finn tells us, “Well, I’m not gonna deal with a person who doesn’t ride the roller coaster!”
• Bird-like bits:
  • “Dad-O, I found you a new pecker!” declares Finn, brandishing a stick (y’know, for peck-peck-pecking). Sometimes I sure love my life. 🙂
  • After “pecking” the boys with a stick, I discarded it in the driveway. “Oh no, Dad-O,” said Finn, “Don’t let the Ocho run over your pecker!”
• “Yeah, I know you have to get money to pay for things–like the gazebo.” — Finn, mourning our return to work.

• Deutschland:
  • “Moin moin moin moin moin moin!” says Finn.
    “Could you stop that?” asks Margot.
    “No,” he says, “I’m a German!”
  • “Peanuts are green,” sings Finn, “roses are red… and Germans are crazy!” (Sorry, Germans! :))
  • Henry, just now: “Is Mom-O talking to Germans?”
    Me: “Yep.”
    Finn: “No! Nein nein nein nein!!”
• Creatures:
  • “I’m a Clark, Dad-O,” Henry reports.
    “You’re a… ‘Clark’?,” I ask.
    “Yeah. In the dark, in a park.” #OneFishTwoFish
  • I overhear Finn yelling at a strange green seed pod: “Get over here, you darn… Boba Fett!”
  • “What’s that guy, Dad-O?”
    “It’s a daddy longlegs.”
    “And that one?”
    “Uh… that’s a daddy fatbutt.”
    I am a tremendous educational resource.
• Chaos:
  • “You need to look after me, Dad-O,” Finn tells me, “or”–eyes twinkling–“I might have to cause *mayhem*!”
  • Finn helpfully corrects my reading of an ABC book: “M is for ‘Mayhem,’ V is for ‘Volvo,’ and P is for ‘Pee!'”

• Music:
  • We’re in the car, hipping Finn to Johnny Cash: “‘Don’t take your guts to town’? But we have to: they’re in our tummies!”
  • “Strawberry bushes forever!” sings Finn, listening to the Beatles. He chuckles & shakes his head: “Johnny Cash…!”
  • Finn applies a pliers to his Pirate’s Booty snack: “I’m Dr. Bootycrusher!!” (Future R&B alter ego, maybe?)
• Patience:
  • Our poor amigo is feeling neglected: “Would you like your iPad taken by bad dudes?” he asks me. “Uh, no… Would *you* like them to take it?” I ask. “Yes!!”
  • At Target Finn points at Mom-O’s shopping list: “I think right here it says ‘Duh-un,DONE!'”
  • Rebuffed by Margot at the park, Finn tells us, “Well, I’m not gonna deal with a person who doesn’t ride the roller coaster!”
• Areas of expertise:
  • “The idea,” Finn’s advising Margot, “is don’t eat a massive burrito and then go on a bunch of rides; otherwise you’ll puke like Uncle Ted.”
  • “Blood is in the whole body,” Dr. Finn tells his little bro, “except the crotch & butt-crotch.”
• A smirking Finn sneaks up behind me as I try to work from home: “I see you’ve found a pleasant hiding spot…”
• Morning news: “Dad-O, I dreamed I cooked an egg under a fruit bar wrapper, and Henry took it, and then he gave me a smack in the butt!”
• “I want a huge bag of ear gunk!” Finn declares, eyeing a Costco bag of Cheeze-Its. Draw your own conclusions.
• Bambinos:
  • “Dad-O, does Alethea have two babies in her tummy?” “Nope, just one.” “Then why does she have two boobs?” Aaand, cue that conversation.
  • “Baby Tegan can’t talk,” reports Finn, “but she can shriek. Her shrieking-sound is like a chicken–a bizarre chicken!!”
• “So Finny, how was your Thomas video?” “Good. The diesels gave Thomas a wedgie, even though steamies don’t wear underpants.”

At risk of burning you out on these things, here are a few more Henry-isms gathered over the last several months:

• As we listen on speakerphone, the conference call system says, “Press the pound key.” “Press the palm tree!” grins Henry. “Robot lady said it!”
• “You crushed me, Dad-O,” says poor Hen, clutching the paw I grazed. “Could you not crush me, Dad-O?”
• Ear nose & throat:
  • On the way to Tahoe, high altitude is messing with Henry’s head: “I need new ears, Dad-O! Take off these ones!”
  • Henry points to his nose: “This a tree. Bird in it.” Draws mom’s finger to his nostril: “Mom-O get out the bird.”
• Vehicles:
  • “There’s Boeing Constrictor, Dad-O,” notes little Henry. “That’s not an A320.” My boy!
  • As I playfully ram my head into Henry’s back, he shakes his head: “You’re not a tramp steamer, Dad-O.”
  • “I’m a scooper truck” reports Henry, tapping his butt. “I have metal here–in my cheeks.”
• G-Man considers YouTube: “I would like some… Foxy Lady. I would like… more Garth.”
• No more tears:
  • Little Henry rubs his eyes, claims not to be crying: “I’m just movin’ my eyeball.”
  • Me: “Did you have a nice day, Henry?” H: “Yeah. I was shrieking.” Me: “You were shrieking?” H: “Yeah. CoCo says, ‘No shrieking.'” Wise lady.

Good times over the last few months with the big guy:

• Mondegreens:
  • Finn eyes a raspberry. “Is it part of a bear?” “A bear? Er, no–‘berry,’ not ‘bear.'” “But is it buried??” (Verbatim, I swear.)
  • Sushi restaurant Finnyisms: “I see a Possum-lady fan.” [oscillating fan] “I’d like a Spider-Man roll.”
  • Parmesan cheese -> “Farmer John cheese.”
  • “I’m a robin, Dad-O.” “Oh, you’re a bird?” “No, we’re bad dudes, robbin’ you!!”
  • I explained minivans to Finn. “You mean like a mouse van?” he asked. It took me a while to make the “Minnie” Mouse connection!
  • “Dad-O, if a we had a monkey who liked chips, he’d be a chip-monk!” Right on, little guy.
• Transportation:
  • “What is ‘U-tah?'” asks Finn. “Is it a big truck you can rent?”
  • Margot: “…but it’s a freeway, so…” Finn: “What’s a ‘Butt Freeway’??” Ah, he’ll be so let down. (Me too, kinda.)
• Language:
  • “After the bizarre poodle incident,” Finn tells me in bed, “the results were usually disastrous.” (Your guess is as good as mine!)
  • “Bizarre”: Great word to teach a kid, or GREATEST word? “I’m a bizarre chicken, Dad-O! And you’re a bizarre Dad-O!”

We keep collecting random Micronaxx bits via Twitter, and I realize I haven’t shared any in months. Here, then, is a sample set from the G-Man:

• On Being Dr. No:
  • Henry’s taken to disagreeing with everything, to the point CoCo calls him “Mr. NoNo.”  “I’m not Mr. NoNo!” he insists.  (See?)
  • Hen contradicts everyone–even the Beatles:
    • John Lennon: “Nothing is real..”
    • Henry Nack: “It is real! (What’s the strawberry dude singing about?”)
  • “You’re a nice little boy, Henry,” says Margot. “I’m not a little boy,” he replies, “I’m a small man!”
  • Turns out 2-year-olds don’t really “get” rhetorical questions. “Want to get dressed or just fight me all day?” I ask Henry. “Fight you all day!”
• Treats:
  • “This is my snack,” announces Henry, brandishing his wet finger. “May you eat this snack, Dad-O?”
  • Having been told we have options for dinner, Henry emerges from the pantry holding up Mac & Cheese: “I would like to eat these options!”
  • The other day we were watching WALL-E with the lads. WALL-E cuts open an old fridge. “It has cheesy milk in it?” asks Henry.
  • Our pizza-loving kids? “Crustifarians.”
• El Baño:
  • Spanish immersion is paying off: Henry announced this morning, “I did mucho pee-pee at preschool!”
  • Henry denies needing a new diaper. Me: “You’ve got something brown.” H: “It’s not brown!” Me: “What color is it?” H: (pause) “It’s not green..!”
  • “I’m not peeing on your leg,” announces Henry. “I peed on the rug last night… It was awesome!*”

*I learned later that Margot had responded to the peeing with a sarcastic, “Oh, that’s awesome.”

Not to be left out, G-Man’s contributed some fun bits lately:

• Language:
  • Henry has taken to answering yes-or-no questions (e.g. “Do you want a snack, yes or no?”) with “Yes or no!”
  • Unfamiliar with shorts, Henry tugs desperately at his hems: “Close down… my pants!!”
  • Henry greeted me rubbing his face: “Seagull… broke my eyeball.” And later: “I’m a goofy ball!” (meaning goofball).
  • “Dad-O may you sit with you, Dad-O?” asks Henry. Quasi-palindromes from a tiny man.
  • A toddler + the word “actually” = A parent-correcting bonanza. (“Watch out for the car, Henry,” I say. “*Jeep*, actually,” he replies.)
• Henry munches a brown M&M, eyeing the bag’s wooden shelf: “How bout… orange one? Cut it down… from the tree!”  (We’ve consequently dubbed the shelf “The Tree.”)
• As I’m changing Henry’s diaper, he grabs my passport, shoves it between his toes, and says, “Readin’ the Dad-O book!”
• Henry sees me shirtless post-workout & runs screaming “No, no!” He later asks, “Dad-O go to Pilates?” Dang, boy, I can take a hint…
• Apple might describe the little guy’s slap-footed form of locomotion as “I Pad, Shuffle.”

We enjoy using Twitter to capture fun little bits involving the boys. We used to put tweets alongside the blog, but a few months ago we hit a technical glitch I haven’t been able to resolve. Therefore I thought I’d pull together some good recent bits from the Finnster (Henry to follow!).

• Meat-loving Finn, learning of Dirt Devil vacuums, reports, “I’m a Bacon Devil! I like to suck up bacon!!”
• I taught Finn about deodorant this morning. “Is it Dennis the Mennen?” he asks.
• Safety First: From his Cozy Coupe Finn announces, “I’m locking the door so no bad dudes named Henry get in!”
• Food:
  • Finn’s turned “Edna St. Vincent Millay” into “Edna Wasabi Sushi Magoo.” #poetaster
  • Beyonce perplexes Finn: “What are ‘Almond Single Ladies?'”
  • Came across Finn dropping yellow & black sawhorse beams into toilet paper tubes. “I’m making a good soup of bananas & chocolate” he reports.
  • We’ve somehow made a 3-year-old who loves, and asks for, “artisanal bread.” Oh my.
• Baseball:
  • We’re at the SJ Giants game (Finn’s first ballgame!). “Are they part of They Might Be Giants?” he asks.
  • A ballgame stunt involved chipping golf balls into a kiddie pool. Relaying this to Mom later Finn said “They were using a cat pool!” (“kiddie”->”kitty”)
• “I’m drawing you an American Eagle,” Finn reports. “Is the ‘FUselage’ where the FUel goes?” (Yes, my proto-plane nerd, yes!)
• Baño:
  • Finn, with a fistful of pull-up, says, “Stay down, regular pants: I’ll pull you up in a minute.”
  • He’s started using the epithet “You *shy bladder*!” to yell at things. (I’m already saving for therapy.)
  • “This is a broken-down BMW,” announces Finn, disassembling a toy car. “Now it’s a BM!!”
  • “Someone’s strummin’ on the old baño!” announces Finn. Fiddle-ee-i-oh!
• Casually filling a garbage bag with his belongings, Finn announces, “I like living in boxcars. I’m a hobo!”
• As Finn tucked my iPhone under his blanket tonight, I heard him whisper, “Shh, I love you…“