Category: Transient Witticisms

• Rookie dad-move: Acknowledging a bad word heard on the radio. Immediate aftermath: “Hey Finn, let’s chant ‘Badass.’ BadASS, BadASS…!!”
• Finn’s decorated our street-facing window with math equations—in Spanish! So proud.
  He’s also added the word “mofo.” So, ehhh…
• Finn appeared by our bed this AM with a clipboard, marker, & inexplicable Freud accent. “Do you vant your day to start vith ‘no’ or ‘yes?’”
• Finn cocks his head in curiosity at saline sinus spray. “I would call this ‘Nose Champagne.’”
• Finn introduces his new red lion to my childhood Red Kitty: “It’s your brother from another mother!”
• “Dad-O, what about ‘ridunkulous’?” asks Finn. “It’s more ridiculous than ‘ridonkulous!'”
• Asia intrigues Finn: “Those planets have a lot of ‘knees.’ Japa-knees, Chi-knees… And Germany has only one ‘knee.’”
• “Dad-O, you shouldn’t draw graffiti on things,” admonishes Henry. “That’s called ‘fertilizing.'” (Er, “vandalizing,” son. :-))
• Our friends’ 2-year-old calls fish “glub glubs.” Finn’s intrigued: “Does he call sharks ‘killer glub glubs?’”
• At 7:38am Margot is teaching the boys the proper use of the term “buzzkill.” I love my family. 🙂
• Finn: “Why is it ‘pee’ and ‘pull’—’people’?”
  Henry: “Yeah, what do people pull?”
  Finn: “Your leg!”

• I catch Henry holding his sandwich over the warm vent. “I’m making a grilled cheese,” he explains.
• “Dad-O, I’m giving you an example,” says Henry. “Like when you walk by the food court & they give you a chicken example.”
• I’m trying to explain Easter being a “movable feast” when Finn breaks in: “Yeah yeah, a movable candy feast, I get it.”
• After listening to a war photographer, Henry tells his sock monkey, “Bruce ate a BBQ monkey leg—but don’t worry, it wasn’t your family.”
• Finnster, emerging from raiding the snack cabinet: “Look, Dad-O, I’ve got a Finny-positive chocolate chip Z Bar!”
• I told the boys about KitTea, a (real) proposed tea house full of gatos. “No, Dad-O!” said Henry. “We don’t want to eat cats!!”
• The boys have set up a lemonade stand out front to sell homemade “puke” for $3. (“I can’t believe no one is buying our puke!!”)
• “Mom-O, you know what’s fun about your dad?” asks Finn. “He’s fun to be around, and he makes SUPER delicious buttered popcorn!”
• “We get to eat the pot tonight!” a preschooler just told me. Er, that’s potLUCK, son.

• “Make me breakfast or I’ll smash your crotch off!!” MAN do tantrums suck, but they can produce some unintended comedy.
• “Dad-O,” announces Finn, “if you don’t give me more sushi, I’m gonna gun you down!” Aaaand, maybe less NPR listening for somebody.
• “This is as high as I go,” yells a flustered Finn from play equipment, “and I don’t wanna fall, so I don’t need to catch a bunch of crap!!”
• After a contentious morning Finn started poking my arm. “I’m pushing your buttons!!” And how!
• Margot to Finn: “You’re disrespectful.”
  F: “You’re disrespectable!”
  Ugh!
• Bareheaded Henry glowers at me: “Hmmph! I’ll just use my frown as a hat!!”
• A morose Finn sulks out of his room, post-timeout, carrying a homemade banner: “FINNEGAN SUCS.” Ay, dios mío…!

Man, I’ve been totally neglecting this category, so let me set about fixing that. Today’s edition: Music.

• “Dad-O,” asks radio-listening Henry, “are ‘musicians’ real? And do they really pull rabbits out of hats?”
• Henry: “Dad-O, what is ‘heavy metal?'”
  Me: “Oh, stuff like ‘Breaking The Law’ & ‘TNT.'”
  H.: “Oh! Heavy metal is good for me!!”
• Listening to Lorde’s “Teams,” 4yo Henry says, “She actually takes her hands off & throws them up in the air!” (I’d be kinda over that, too.)
• From the back seat this morning: “Dad-O, could a baby duck fit into a can of beer?” I guess the Pixies bring the weird out of Henry. #age4
• 80’s rocker nomenclature baffles young Henry.
  “I guess he must love watermelons.”
  “Who?”
  “John Cougar Watermeloncamp.”
• Henry, singing: “We built this city…”
  Me, chuckling: “What would Mom-O say if she heard you?”
  Henry: “G__DAMN it!!”
  (M.: “He’s not wrong.”)
• “The Rolling Stones?” Henry’s intrigued. “Do they sing quarry music?” Rock on, little man.
• Upon hearing Neil young’s Harvest Moon, Henry says “I think this is an old prospector making train track music.”
• I hear crooner Finn mashing up José Feliciano & Joy Division’s “Love Will Tear Us Apart”: “Feliz Navidad, aaa-gain…”
• I make the mistake of turning on KFOX in the car. From the back seat the boys immediately yell, “What Does KFOX Say?? Nya nya nyah nyah…!”
• My reciting of Public Enemy lyrics leaves Finn shaking his head. “I’m a white man, and I’m not familiar with anything Dad-O says!!”

• Finn’s stuffed, but he swears he’ll find room for a donut: “My tummy has a garbage truck crusher-blade in it!”
• “Dad-O, when we grow up, we’re only going to eat pasta, bacon, and Nutella!” I’m way ahead of you, boys—way ahead! #livingthedream
• I guess we can forget about the boys getting that big Crest endorsement deal: “This tastes like being electrocuted!!”
• Henry eyes a giant tank of horchata (super sugary rice milk), then presents me with a batting helmet: “Fill this up with it!” Best/worst idea ever.
• “Krispies are for closers!!” — me, trying to bribe the boys into finishing their sandwiches
• Finn befouls our sheets with crumbs, sucks them up: “I’m a street sweeper!” First time I’ve kicked someone out of bed for eating crackers.
• We call our food-distended tummies “food babies.” Henry pats his: “I’ve got a whole food preschool in mine!”
• “You’ve gotta lay off that Coke, Dad-O,” Finn informs me. “You’re gonna end up allergic to water!”
• “I’m not making a mess,” explains Henry, sprinkling Oat Squares on the carpet. “I’m making dinner for the ghost in the basement.”

• Mischievous Henry starts edging out of the crosswalk: “Dad-O, I’m ‘Break-in’-the-laaaaw, break-in’-the-laaaaw!!'” (Judas Priest, Age 4. :-))
• The Barenaked Ladies come on the radio. “This is a dork singing!” declares Henry.
• “I don’t think these guys are Talking Heads, Dad-O,” says Finn. “I think they’re just Talking Scalps.”
• Finn: “Why are they called ‘U2’?”
  Me: “Well, I dunno. The U2 was a cool airplane…”
  Finn: “Was Bono homeless & did he sleep in the airplane?”
• Listening to “Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing” with the boys. “Why did the baby do that, Dad-O? Why is he so naughty?”
• Finn’s singing Styx’s “Renegade”: “The meter maid, who had it made…” #misheardlyrics
• The lads are listening to The Clash:
  Finn: “Henry, the casbah is a desert castle, and the jet fighters rock it with bullets.”
  Henry: “Yeah, from their lungs!”
• Finn’s relating to “I Shot The Sheriff”: “It’s like when Jacobo attacks me at school & I kick him in the face. That’s self-defense for me!”
• On an airplane: “Dad-O, I thought I saw Johnny Cash out on the wing,” reports Finn, “but it was just the winglet.”
• Listening to the boys’ a cappella duet of “Crazy Train” as they play Lego trains, I feel kinda great about my parenting. 🙂
• Finn’s morning musical request: “How about the banana song by Barry Elefante?”
• Blasting “Sledgehammer” while your 3yo jumps around, “dancing” & randomly hammering things, is a terrific morning kickoff.
• The boys keep donning underwear outside their regular clothes. I explain that’s only for crazy old ladies, like Madonna.
• The boys have renamed themselves “Lynyrd Skynyrd” & “Billy Idol.” In related news, I really need to expose them to better music!

Boy, it’s been ages since I updated this category. Without further ado, here’s the first of several installments of the lads’ sayings from the last year (!) or so.

• Animals:
• “Dad-O, I’m a new superhero called Bat Saber—like a bat lightsaber! He crushes old people who don’t like bats!” (Henry adds, “Yeah, and I’m Rain Man!!” #VerySpecialPowers)
• “Dad-O, do pirates sometimes have to get blasted by otters?” Um, otters? Took me a while to realize he meant SEALs (specifically, Navy ones).
• “Dad-O, those cats want to fill up our sandbox with poop,” says Finn, “which I call ‘butt presents.'”
• I dreamt that our boys—like bats—navigate by echolocation. They were ceaselessly repeating “Mom-O, Dad-O! Mom-O, Dad-O! Mom-O, Dad-O!”
• I let the boys watch nature videos unattended on YouTube this morning. It’s all fun ’til a croc bites off an antelope’s hoof!
• Legos
• Finn describes his birthday wish: “Well, it’s a really expensive Lego set for teenagers…” He tells me that to save up, “stop buying food”!
• In the fall Lego time spontaneously turned political: “Dad-O, this is Obama. ‘Come here, Romney, gimme your butt cheeks to kick!'” (Unprompted!)
• I offer Henry some Lego-ing help. “No, I can do it,” he says. “It’s a little be complicated for dads, but not for kids.” (Maybe true!)
• “Dad-O, this is my Lego chase truck. It was chasing a bird, which turned out to be Henry’s hand, which made off with a Lego sailor hat…”
• “The hand-bird was carrying the hat on its thumb.” Good to know!

• G-Man:
  • “‘Steely Dan?'” Henry’s incredulous. “What do they steal?”
    Me: “No, ‘steel,’ like metal.”
    H: “Why do they steal metal??”
  • Hen, on hearing some hip hop: “Rap music?! Turn that off!!” He then cries ’til we give in & turn on Johnny Cash.
  • Henry is mashing up “Peanuts” with Peter Gabriel. “Shock the Lucy to-night!” he sings.
  • Henry’s midday requests: Some soup, Dave Brubeck, and a nap. #MyBoy
  • Henry asks me to explain a Taylor Swift breakup song.
    Me: “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
    H: “Maybe I won’t want to understand…”
• Finnster:
  • “I can easily make this girl’s voice with my body,” says Finn of Ellie Goulding. “I can’t make that Axl Rose stuff, though.”
  • From deep within a pile of Lego forest police loot, Finn’s begun to sing: “Police Navidad!”
  • Finn’s singing his bizarre version of Rudolph: “…You might even say it blows!” (He calls the character “The Ol’ ‘Dolph.)
  • “Dad-O, when i grow up I want to be a policeman who acts like a ninja,” Finn tells me, “but not a bad cop like that Sheriff John Brown.” [from I Shot The Sheriff]
  • I hear Finn singing: “‘…so call me maybe.’ Oh Dad-O, that song gets stuck in my head! I sing it at preschool, I sing it everywhere!!“
• The boys on “Dirty Deeds”: “AC/DC sound like pirates!” Of the Ramones’ “Sheena”: “These guys are old warriors! They’re berserkers!”
• I imagine our always-underfoot kids singing like the Scorpions’ “Rock You Like A Hurricane”: “HERE I am!! (bom, bomp) FORM a human bar-i-cade!!”
• The boys are becoming a bit “pants-optional.” I now sing to them some modified Beatles: “Hey! You’ve Got To Hide Your Butt Away.”

• Español:
• Breathless Finn runs in sounding like he’s cracked the secret to cold fusion: “Dad-O, there’s even a Spanish word for ‘Spanish’! It’s ‘Spañol!”
• “El cerdo!” says Finn out of the blue.
  “Yeah, and what’s el cerdo?” I ask.
  “A pig who speaks Spanish!”
• Finn wonders about our friend’s “Ram jeep.” “What’s a ‘Durango’? Maybe it means ‘ram’ in Spanish.”
• Gluteus Minimus:
• Lego time spontaneously turns political: “Dad-O, this is Obama. ‘Come here, Romney, gimme your butt cheeks to kick!'” (Unprompted by me!)
• “Dad-O, what was that shadow?” asks Henry. “Well, was it itching its butt?” asks Finn. “‘Cause then it was me.”
• “Henry!!” yells Finn. “If you don’t stop that, I’ll kick your butt! [pause] Dad-O, kick his butt!!” (I’m just hired muscle.)
• Questionable parenting:
• I probably shouldn’t have told Finn to “get out of my junk.” He now lowers his head & runs yelling, “I’m aiming for your *junk*!!”
• I confront stick-wielding Finn: “Were you aiming for my head??” “No,” he says sheepishly. “I was aiming for your crotch.” (That’s not better!)

• Music:
• Remarking on a hyperactive playmate, Finn observes, “Man, that kid has a lot of energy. He’s like Freddy Mercury!”
• Finn’s Irish heritage is coming in handy: His Chris Cornell impression sounds *just* like a banshee.
• Finn, having recently listened to Paul Simon, explained his pile of stuffed animals: “I’m making them my bodyguards & pals.” (And yes, he’s now calling me Betty, and I call him Al.)
• Best sartorial compliment ever, courtesy of Finn: “Your black suit looks cool, Dad-O. You look like Johnny Cash!”
• Brotherly love:
• Finn wheels around on his too-close little bro: “Jeez, Henry, it’s not ‘Follow Finny Day!'” (Henry, giggling: “Yes it is!”)
• “Feliz POOPleañons, Goonie!” says Finn. (“It’s años made of poop,” he helpfully notes.)
• Baños:
• Our potty trainee gets legalistic:
  H: “I want an M&M for pooping.”
  M: “Well, you didn’t actually poop.”
  H: “Well I *farted*!” #partialCredit
• Finn, beaming, returns from the baño: “I really taught that pee-cake a lesson! It’ll have to ask its pee-cake parents for dry clothes!”
• Finn leads me gently through the campground. “I thought,” he says, “we’d sit & have a little chat about silliness…”

• Classic Rock:
• “Dad-O, I think Van Halen lives in a Led Zeppelin!”
• “Henry and I are Steppenwolfs. We’re steppin’ all over!”
• Paul Simon:
• Finn explains his pile of stuffed animals: “I’m making them my bodyguards & pals.” (And yes, he’s now calling me Betty, and I call him Al.)
• “Dad-O, I love that Paul Simon song, ‘Diii-nos on a skateboard, Diii-nos on a skateboard, With nothing to lose.'” (He’s singing “Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes.”)
• Johnny Cash:
• I hear Finn singing Johnny Cash to his Legos: “I shot a man named Guido, Just to watch him die…”
• What’s a terrific 7am wake-up? A yellow lion blankie poking its head around our doorway & growl-singing “Folsom Prison Blues.” (“RAwr! I hear that train a-comin’…”)
• Our sugar-addled boys are tearing around the hardware store’s garden section yelling “My name is SUE, how do you DO?? Now you gonna DIE!!“
• Finn’s loving Johnny Cash: “I’m building a car out of ice cream in my tummy, One Piece At A Time! (Can you tweet that?)”
• I tried hipping the boys to OutKast’s frenetic song “Hey Ya.” Finn: “These guys are berserkers!” Henry: “Yeah, give us Johnny Cash!”